Barbie Love

I saw this saying posted on someone's Facebook wall today and I had to make it my own. I changed the font, color, and of course added a Barbie. I may not know any little girls with cancer, but I do know that there are a lot of grown women with cancer who still love Barbie. Everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to feel beautiful. :)

Ramblings from a Troubled Mind

My mind has been consumed lately with what seem to be the worries of the world. It has been a rough road for me. I kind of feel like I am just wandering around aimlessly. I am not sure why either and that is equally frustrating. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that if I keep doing the things I know I need to be doing He will bless me, but patience has never been my strong suit. I am an instant gratification kind of person and this feeling of having no direction or purpose kills me.

On a completely different note, I did have an experience last week that reminded me of how aware Heavenly Father is of me. My family and I went to see The Forgotten Carols. It was such a neat experience. I found myself in tears for most of it. The feelings of peace and love that I felt as I watched overwhelmed me. During that time I felt without a shadow of a doubt the love that Heavenly Father has for me. It was almost as if I had gotten my note for that day and it read, "I know you. I am aware of you. You can do this. And above all else, I love you."

Always in my heart

It's been 10 years. 10 years since I graduated from high school. 10 years since my first year of college. 10 years since the world changed forever. 10 years ago the world trade centers were attacked, altering the way we have always lived and the way we would live for the rest of time. As this time has come upon me I have spent a lot of time pondering the events of that day. Has it really changed me? Have I started to live the way I think I should? Did this event change my life???

Sadly, the answer to most of these questions is no. It is something that has influenced my thoughts and my heart, but have I internalized it like I should have? No. This is something that should have impacted everything in my life. Despite all of that, this time of year holds a tender place in my heart. As I sit and listen to a news station going over the events of that day 10 years ago, my heart and mind run through the gauntlet of emotions that I experienced that day. My heart aches for those who lost loved ones. Fear of the unknown penetrates my soul. The tears flow freely even 10 years later. The worries I harbored before that day seem inconsequential in retrospect.Even in the face of terror, the bonding that came from that event, lives in my heart. I learned to appreciate those who made my life what it is. My friends, my family, all of the men and women who go out every day to make sure that I get to keep the freedoms I have, and their families. Theirs is a hard job too. I learned to love again and I learned that it is the people that make life worth living.

I often think to myself as I see a soldier in uniform if they know how grateful I am. A little voice whispers in my head to thank them, even if I don't know them. As that thought comes and goes, I find myself watching as they go. An opportunity missed and a moment passed. Then I spend the rest of the night kicking myself. The job that they do is thankless. They go to work and do their job in silence. They do it because they believe in a better world. They do it because they love so much that they have to protect the rest of us. They do it because they are heroes. Silent and strong they go about their lives in a way that most people only dream of.

So, on this eve of September 11, 2011 I have have decided that instead of letting those moments pass me by, I am going to jump at every chance I get to let the brave men and women I know how grateful I am. Today I will: Thank every soldier I see. I will thank the police and the firemen. Because my heart is bursting with pride for the red, white, and blue and because I am grateful. Thank you to all of the military personal I know. You are all heroes. :)

Stumbling blocks or stepping stones...

Recently I decided that I was going to move to Virginia and go to Southern Virginia University. I was terrified. The thought of leaving left me nearly paralyzed with fear, but everything was falling into place so nicely that I couldn't deny that it was what I should be doing. Once I got used to the idea I started getting excited about it. I would be going back to my mission. A town that I loved and have wanted to go back to since I left it the first time. I knew the school and I knew the people. I finally started telling people I was leaving.

As things have gotten closer to the time I am supposed to leave a little problem has popped up. I am short on tuition money. I have been working like a mad woman to try and figure out how I am going to come up with it. So far, nothing has worked. Now I could look at this as a stumbling block or I could look at as a stepping stone. To be honest, I have looked at it as a stumbling block. I have been angry and bitter. I have been mad because things have worked fairly well well for my friend. I wondered what I did wrong to have it fall apart. I got really sick of hearing "everything will work out the way it is supposed to" and "you just have to trust Heavenly Father" and "you just need to have a better attitude". Truth is, I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let everyone down and I felt like everyone was going to look at me like I was just lying to them.

Deep down I knew the things everyone was telling me were true. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. Do I know it is??? Nope. Does my faith falter??? Yup. Do I still get angry when I think about it sometimes??? Yup! Am I perfect??? Nope, no where close even. I am trying to go off the idea now that this is a stepping stone and not a stumbling block. I am trying to have faith that Heavenly Father has a reason for it not to work out for me right now. I am trying to trust Him and put it all in His hands. I am trying...

28 things I've learned... and a few I haven't.

As my 28th birthday was approaching I started to ponder all of the things I have learned this past year. It seemed like a challenge to come up with 28 at first, but as I thought I found it more difficult to limit myself to only 28. :) I apologize in advance because this is a long post.

So here are the things I've learned...

• No matter how hard I try or how much I want, I will never be just like my sister and that is okay.


• Those times when your mom seems like more than you can handle, just remember that everything she does is because she loves you. Hers is a thankless job with long hours and bad pay, so go easy on her and tell her you love her often.


• You will have many best friends throughout your life. Each one will bring something special to the table.


• Friends change and grow. Just because you don't spend as much time together doesn't mean you aren't friends.


• being an adult sometimes sucks. It is no where near as fun as Hollywood makes it seem.


• Disneyland can make anyone, no matter their age, feel like a child.


• Flying a kite and doing kitchen science projects will always be more fun than watching tv or playing video games.


• Sometimes it's okay to fight. As long as it is a fair fight.


• Bad self esteem isn't something that you can improve instantly. It took a long time to build bad self esteem. Logic says it will take a while to fix it.


• I can so anything I want as long as I don't give up.


• I am a cryer. It doesn't take a lot to make me cry and once I start it is sometimes difficult to stop.


• You can't force change on anyone. If someone doesn't want to change they never will.


• Some of the toughest people I know have the biggest hearts. Proving once again that you can't judge a book by it's cover.


• My family is AWESOME. How many other people will dress up like Harry Potter characters and go out in public looking silly.


• A nine year old boy is great entertainment even though slightly annoying at times.


• Birthdays aren't as much fun as an adult as they are as a kid.


• I am way better than I give myself credit for.


• I may not be the prettiest, smartest, or the most talented, but I am a daughter of God. A Heavenly Father who loves me just the way I am.


• I am glad I have a good relationship with my siblings. I would be very sad if I didn't.


• If you ever feel invisible or forgotten just post your birthday on Facebook. Then people come out of the woodwork to wish you happy birthday.


• I don't have to be popular. I just have to be me.


• There is always going to be something that stirs in my heart when I see a flag waving in the breeze or a soldier in uniform.


• I will always be a kid at heart.


• I am a nerd. I love books and movies and random useless knowledge.


• My life is made better by all of the wonderful people I know.


• If someone doesn't want you in their life it doesn't mean you should stop trying to include them in yours.


• Despite much protestation I always feel better when I look good.


• Worrying about the future doesn't do anything but give me wrinkles.

There are also some things I haven't learned...

• I haven't learned what it is like to have someone who looks at me and loves me and thinks I am beautiful and wants to spend eternity with.


• I haven't learned what I want to be when I grow up.


• I haven't learned how to be the person the Lord wants me to be or His plan for me.

As I embark on another year of life I look forward to all of the things I will learn. Who knows, maybe this will be the year that I learn some of the things that I haven't learned in years past.

The Thief Known as Time...

Lately it seems like I have been battling an intense thief. A thief so bold and brazen that he sneaks in and steals from you without you even noticing it. He isn't predjudice. He will steal from rich and poor, old and young, male and female. That thief is time. The clock is ticking closer and closer to my 28th birthday. 28!!!! I have been trying unsuccessfully to figure out where all of those years went. The only thing I can figure is that time stole them from me with no plans of ever giving them back. What a rotten thief.

Day 30. FINALLY!!!!!

Day thirty~ A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past.

Okay so my picture isn't of me today, but it is the most recent picture of me that I have. This was last Saturday at the Sawtooth Relay. :)

Three good things that have happened to me in the past... Well, the first one is my car is fixed and working again. I hate not having a car. The whole relying on others thing kinda stinks.

The second one and this sounds terrible, but I got released from my calling. I was the FHE co-chair and it got to a point where I just didn't feel like anything I did was being helpful. I am now one of the gospel principles teachers. I love it. I love teaching.

The third one was lots of opportunities to serve and help out my friends and family these last two weeks. It has been so much fun. :)

Days 27-29 (Almost finished and it's about time.)

Day 27~ A picture of me last year and now and how I have changed since then.

This is me last year. I had just had me hair done by April and I loved it.

This is me this year. How have I changed???? Well, that is a good question. I would like to say that there have been monumental changes since then, but really I am kind of stuck in my ways and change doesn't come easy for me. The biggest change in my life has been my job. I am no longer working at the temple. I am now working at Planet Fitness. It has been a great job and I love it. Hopefully, there will be more interesting changes here in the near future. I'll keep you posted. :)

Day 28~ My favorite movie.

My favorite movie is White Christmas. It doesn't matter what time of year it is, I could watch that movie over and over and over again. I love Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. They are amazing performers. I also love the story. It give me hope that someday some one will love me like that. :)

Day 29~ Something you could never get tired of doing.

Something I could never get tired of doing is reading. Through books you can go anywhere, be anyone, and do anything that you want to do. There are no limits when you have a book in front of you. Books are a great escape. :)

Days 24-26

Okay, this 30 day blogging challenge has taken far to long. I am going to knock out a couple of days in one blog. This could be kind of a long one. So please bear with me. :)

Day 24~ A photo of something that means a lot to you. This one is kind of different. The things that mean a lot to me are very random things. Very normal, but with lots of sentimental value.The first thing is my set of Pride and Prejudice videos. I got my set from my sister after I first watched it with her. I told her that was what I wanted for Christmas. Well she looked and looked and couldn't find it. So she wrapped up her set and gave it to me. This touched me a lot because I knew how much she loved it. For her to give it to me was incredible

The next thing is a book. Who cares about a book?? Well, I do. This particular book belonged to my nephew, James. James passed away while I was on my mission. I had a hard time coming to grips with this because I wasn't around for any of it. Well last week, I opened up this book to start reading it and I found an inscription to James from the author. Made my heart smile.

This one is less physical, but good none the less. This one is my memories of going to Disneyland. My favorite place ever. I went with my mom and it was a blast. I hadn't been in 20 years and it is something I will always remember.

This one is something I got from one of my companions on my mission. She knew that I liked VeggieTales and so she bought this for me. I love it. It is very special to me.

Day 25~ What's in your purse??
My purse contains the normal mess of random things. I have my wallet of course. I also have pens, lots and lots of Planet Fitness pens. What can I say??? I have a habit of taking them home from work. :) I also have lots of random things of chapstick. I can never find one when I need one, so I have lots. I also have paper clips, a purse hangy thing, scratch paper and gum. Gotta have the gum. :)

Day 26~ A photo of somewhere you have been.

West Virginia. Wild, Wonderful, Beautiful West Virginia. I went here on my mission and I am convinced that it is one of the best kept secrets in the country. It was amazing to see all of the beauties this small hidden state possessed. :)

Day 23~ Fifteen fun facts about you

Okay, for my own personal reasons I have decided to skip over day 22 (a letter to someone who has hurt you recently) and move right into day 23. Someday I might go back and do day 22, but I doubt it. Any hurt I have had I have dealt with in my way and I have moved on. :) Besides, why dwell in the hurt?

Anyway, here is my day 23. :)

Day twenty-one~ A photo of something that makes you happy.

Other than my family, the thing that makes me the happiest is the gospel of Jesus Christ. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has influenced my life in the most profound ways imaginable. The knowledge that it has given to me has guided and changed my life. I can't explain how much it has impacted me. My testimony is the most precious thing I own. I have had my own private struggles some harder than I would have liked, but from each trouble and trial I have had, I have grown to know my Savior. I know of His love for me. I know that He came to this earth as a baby born in the most humble of circumstances and grew into a man who performed miracles and gave the world the gift that only He could give. He gave His life to save everyone, past, present, and future. He selflessly sacrificed for me because I am not perfect and I need his help.
The gospel has also given me a testimony of living prophets who lead and guide us through life. I know that Joseph Smith saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and I know that he was called to restore the gospel to the earth. He has been followed by a living prophet ever since. I know that the prophet today is Thomas S. Monson. He is called of God to lead the church today.


The other thing that the gospel has given me is a testimony of the Book of Mormon and the Bible. These are two amazing books that work hand in hand to testify of Christ. The Bible tells of Chirst's dealings with the people in the old world and the Book of Mormon tells of Christ's dealings with His children in the new world. These books are amazing in their evidences of Christ. I love the Book of Mormon. Every word testifies of Christ. These are the things in my life that make me the most happy. :)

Day twenty~ The meaning behind your blog name.

The meaning behind my blog name is more of a personal reflection. Organized Chaos seems to how my brain works and how my life seems to go. I tend to be a very random person. There are about a billion different things stumbling through my brain at any given time and I am known to jump from thing to thing quite often. Sometimes I forget that others don't know what is going on in my head and I talk to them like they do. More often than not they look at me like I am crazy. But in my mind it is totally clear. :)

My life has often followed the same course. There have been many times when I have wandered through this life lost in a state of total chaos. Not knowing where I am going or what I want out of my life. Then there were times of total clarity. Mostly though my life has been a bit chaotic. Once I learned to harness the chaos I began to thrive. There are still things in my life that I can't control and things that throw me for a loop, but I feel like there is an order to all of it.

If I put my trust in my Heavenly Father then the chaos seems to slow down and I am able to process it. I can't do it on my own. I have tried. I need the support of a Heavenly Father who knows me and understand the chaos inside me better than I ever could. He has taken me through the refiners fire and has made me into a better person. I know that there are still many fires to go through in the purification process, but I know that as I do the things that the Lord requires of me, the chaos will become still and I will be the person that my Father needs me to be. He has never failed me and he has never left me alone. So I am grateful for the chaos in my life and in my head. It is through that chaos that I have found true friends in my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. And through the chaos I have found the quiet whisperings of the Spirit bringing peace and organization to an otherwise tangled web.

Day ninteen~ Another picture of yourself.

This picture was taken a week or so ago when my friends and I had a girls night. This was one of those nights when we could all just chill and relax. We all needed this night. It is so good to have friends that you can be yourself with. You know the ones that don't care when you eat whatever you want and look totally stupid and do dumb things with. :) Those are the best kind of friends. I and really grateful and blessed. :)

Day eighteen~ Something you crave a lot.

Okay, this is really weird, but something I crave a lot is garlic. I love garlic. I don't know what it is that makes me love it so much, but I do. Another thing I crave a lot is ice cream. Ice cream makes everything so much better. Yeah, it's a short post, I know, but oh well there you have it.

A brief interlude....

Okay, I know that this isn't part of my 30 day blogging challenge (which by the way has turned into more of a 3 month challenge) but I had something I need to get out so that it doesn't just fester. Okay, this is going to sound kind of stupid, but I have to give a bit of backstory. There is a guy that I like and for a while now I have been refering to him as my pretend boyfriend. He has no clue and it's gonna stay that way. Well, today my friend who is absolutely beautiful, said she wanted to ask him out, just to see what he would say. Am I bothered by that??? Yeah, but not so much for the reasons you think I would be. What really bothers me is that I know I have no shot with him. First of all, I am no where brave enough to even approach him about it. Secondly, I know I am not pretty enough for him. Or skinny enough for that matter. I told my friend she should do it. She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings and I kind of lied and said it wouldn't hurt them. After all, I told her, you have more of a shot than I could ever dream of. So am I hurt??? Yeah. Am I mad??? Yeah. I am mad that I am not the kind of girl he would be interested in. I'm not skinny and pretty. I am mad that I am not willing to stand up for myself and go after the things I want. I am mad that I am a chicken...

So dear friend, and you know who you are, should you happen upon this and read it, it in no way changes my previous statements to you. That dye has been cast and I can't take it back. I may seem mad, but please know that I am not mad at you. I am mad at me...

I love my family. :)

Day seventeen~ A photo of you and your family.

I love this days challenge. I love my family and I think that they are great. :) My family are some of the most important things in my life.

My Cute Mommy and I. She is awesome.

This is one of my favorite pictures ever. This is my nephew James(on the left), my brother-in-law RC(on ther right) and my nephew Aidan(in front). This was the day I went into the MTC and the last time I saw James. He passed away while I was on my mission. I just love this picture.
My beautiful nieces and I. Briana(in the middle) and Emilee(on the right). These girls are so talented and beautiful.

And last, but certainly not least... My sister Claudia and I. This was at the opening for one of the Harry Potter movies(in case you couldn't tell) :)

There's a reason its called a crush.... :)

Day 16: Your Celebrity Crush

I think this blog challenge is a little unfair. Asking me to narrow my celebrity crushes to just one is like asking me to only have on pair of shoes for the rest of my life. Now, I have never met any of these guys and I have no idea what they are like but really I just like looking at them. Make no mistake, I am under no delusions that I would ever meet these guys or that they would fall madly in love with me, but like I said... Fun to look at. :)

Oliver Phelps

I just love him and James as Fred and George Weasly on Harry Potter.

Kellan Lutz

Okay I know the whole Twilight thing has made him famous and I would be lying if I said that I didn't love Twilight. But he is so cute. I love his dimples. Ryan Lochte

Ryan Lochte... A US olympic swimmer. I used to be a swimmer once upon a time and Watching him swim makes me want to take it up again. It is so impressive.

David Boreanaz

I have had a thing for him since he was on Buffy. You know that troubled vampire who wants to be good but just can't seem to manage it. Now he is on my other favorite show Bones.

Ryan Reynolds

Okay how can you say no to this guy. I mean come on. He is a cutie.

And now for my two favorite celebrity crushes ever. These two guys can sell me on a movie no matter what the plot. As long as one of these two guys are in it I will watch it. Put them both in a movie together and I would be in heaven. :) Hugh Jackman

and of course the totally amazing, incredibly talented...

Johnny Depp.

Need I say more???? I think not. :)

Day fifteen~ Something you don't leave the house without.

The one thing I don't leave my house with out is my phone. There have been a few time that I have forgotten it and I feel totally lost and naked without it. I don't know when I got so attached to my phone, but it is really almost part of me and I feel funny if it is missing. :) I know I am a geek, but who cares.

Day fourteen~ A TV show that you are currently addicted to.

There are currently two shows that I absolutely love. The first one is Bones. It is entertaining and really what girl doesn't like to watch David Boreanez. He is just hot. He has been since the days of Buffy. :)

The other show I like a lot is Biggest Loser. That show inspires me to be better and to find a way out of the situation I am in. :) My sister is starting to be my very own Jillian Michaels. It is really cool to have someone that you have to be accountable to. Thanks C and Leesh. You guys are great.

Day thirteen~ Your favorite musician and why?

Currently my favorite musician has been Danny Gokey. I love the stories that have inspired his music. I got to see him in concert a little while ago and it was so much fun. He was the coolest guy. I really like that he is willing to do so much for his fans. The song in this video is my FAVORITE sing right now. It describes my life so well. :)

Day twelve~ Home sweet home

Okay, so I couldn't find a picture of Roy, but I did find this picture. The Burger bar is the best burger place around. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the food. :) It makes me happy.

Day eleven~ What's in your makeup bag?

My makeup bag... what kind of question is this. :) I don't wear makeup a whole lot so I don't use my makeup bag as often as I could. So let's see... what is in my makeup bag. I have the usual stuff in my bag that most girls have... foundation, powder, eyeshadow, and lipstick. I have a bunch of random things in there that I don't ever really use. There are three things in my makeup bag that I use ALL the time though. My bobby pins, my eyelash curler, and my mascara. I LOVE mascara. I don't know why, I just love it. Oh yeah, my tweezers are also in my makeup bag and I use them a lot too. :)

Day ten~ A photo of your favorite place to eat.

I don't know that I have a favorite place to eat, but this is one of the better places to get a steak and I am absolutely a steak and potatoes kind of girl :)