Recently I decided that I was going to move to Virginia and go to Southern Virginia University. I was terrified. The thought of leaving left me nearly paralyzed with fear, but everything was falling into place so nicely that I couldn't deny that it was what I should be doing. Once I got used to the idea I started getting excited about it. I would be going back to my mission. A town that I loved and have wanted to go back to since I left it the first time. I knew the school and I knew the people. I finally started telling people I was leaving.
As things have gotten closer to the time I am supposed to leave a little problem has popped up. I am short on tuition money. I have been working like a mad woman to try and figure out how I am going to come up with it. So far, nothing has worked. Now I could look at this as a stumbling block or I could look at as a stepping stone. To be honest, I have looked at it as a stumbling block. I have been angry and bitter. I have been mad because things have worked fairly well well for my friend. I wondered what I did wrong to have it fall apart. I got really sick of hearing "everything will work out the way it is supposed to" and "you just have to trust Heavenly Father" and "you just need to have a better attitude". Truth is, I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let everyone down and I felt like everyone was going to look at me like I was just lying to them.
Deep down I knew the things everyone was telling me were true. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. Do I know it is??? Nope. Does my faith falter??? Yup. Do I still get angry when I think about it sometimes??? Yup! Am I perfect??? Nope, no where close even. I am trying to go off the idea now that this is a stepping stone and not a stumbling block. I am trying to have faith that Heavenly Father has a reason for it not to work out for me right now. I am trying to trust Him and put it all in His hands. I am trying...
I know how you feel. I think we all go through times like that. We are human, our faith falters, we question ourselves. It's normal. As long as we eventually remember what we're supposed to be doing on this journey and we learn from the times we falter, we will be just fine. Hang in there! Your stepping stones will lead you somewhere amazing!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've been very much been feeling, I have been very focused on my trails right now as such a negative and seeing NO POSITIVE what so ever. I have been therefore while not even realizing it, but I have been very unappreciative to the blessings that I do have in my life. And in doing so have been making things that much harder on myself and giving myself yet another reason to repent. Our Father cannot mold us into his image if we are fighting his methods. Albeit however hard they may be to face. Love ya Shannon!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Here is a talk I read this morning after dealing with my parents last night:
"Tabernacles and temples are built with more than stone and mortar, wood and glass. Particularly is this true when we speak of the temple described by the Apostle Paul: “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?” (1 Cor. 3:16). Such temples are built with faith and fasting. They are built with service and sacrifice. They are built with trials and testimonies." -Thomas S. Monson
https://lds.org/general-conference/1987/04/tears-trials-trust-testimony?lang=eng