A Raw and Open Look at Me.

My post today is something that is hard for me to talk about.  In fact, it is so tough for me to talk about that it has taken me weeks to pull my thoughts together in a coherent manner. I have written and rewritten these words as I have struggled to convey my thoughts and feelings. It is something that cuts deeply into my heart. Every day I wake up and I have to make a decision.  Am I going to be happy or am I going to succumb to the depression that sometimes threatens to devour me? Yes, I struggle with depression and yes, I don't like talking about it much. It is still such a taboo subject and there is such a negative stigma associated with it, but slowly that is starting to change.  I feel like this is the right time to put this out into the world.

I am pretty sure I have had issues with this my whole life, but, the first time I had a medical professional tell me that what I was struggling with was depression was when I was on my mission. I had been out for about eight months when I was told that my nephew, James, had passed away. My mission president thought that it would be beneficial for me to talk to someone. Before this, I never would have thought that there were therapists who worked in the mission department, specifically to help the missionaries who are serving. I spent two hours a week for six weeks just talking. Figuring things out. Figuring me out. It is a long, hard process that I am still working on.

Depression isn't one size fits all. It is different for everyone. Some people have extreme cases. Some people only have small pangs of it every now and then.  For me, it comes in cycles. Sometimes the cycles come every three months. Sometimes I can go six months or even a year between cycles. Sometimes getting out of bed is the most exhausting thing I do in a day. There are times when I want to withdraw completely from everyone. Times when feel completely alone in a crowded room. There are times when the littlest thing can make me cry and it feels nearly impossible to stop. Sometimes the anxiety of living day to day life makes me crazy. There are days when I hate everything about myself and then there are days when I feel nothing at all. No sadness, no happiness, just a general ambivalence toward the world. It has never been bad enough that I have wanted to end it all though and for that I feel extremely blessed. My heart breaks for those that have. I know how bad I sometimes feel and I can't even imagine the emotions that accompany those thoughts.

I have been home from my mission for nearly ten years so that means I have been actively battling depression for nearly eleven years. In those eleven years I have acquired some very valuable information.

Number 1: 
I know what my triggers are and I can tell when a cycle is approaching. I know the warning signs for me. Depression cycles for me start with thoughts of withdrawing from every one. It is accompanied by feelings of being unloved and alone. I start to doubt all of my friendships and the intentions of everyone I know. Knowing this helps me recognize and recognizing helps me deal with it. I know that I can't stop it but, I can lessen the intensity and duration of each cycle. I know that by making small changes such as taking the time to take care of myself or doing something for someone else makes all of the difference.  Again, I know that not everyone can control or can alter things to affect their depression. These are just things that have helped me cope.

Number 2:
I am not depressed. I have depression, but that is not who I am. When I first saw this video I immediately thought to myself, this is easy for someone on the outside to say. I thought that there is no way that this guy can really know what depression feels like. After watching it the first time I replayed it. Before I rewatched it I said a short prayer.  I asked to have my heart opened because I don't believe in coincedences and I felt like there had to be a reason for this to have come across my Facebook feed. As I rewatched it that second time something stood out to me.  If I started to identify as someone who is depressed than I negated all of the good and unique things about me. I am not depressed. I have depression, but that is not who I am.

Number 3:
I am not alone in this. I have friends and family who struggle with this as well. It is becoming more and more of an open topic as more high profile people are coming out and bringing it to the forefront. Together we can bring about a change in the world. I also have a loving Heavenly Father who knows perfectly how to help me. He knows the darkest places of my mind. He knows more about me and my struggle than I do. He has provided many people, opportunities, and remedies to help me. He has helped me learn that there is nothing wrong with admitting that I struggle. In fact, I think He wants me to admit it. When I put it out there it will help me heal and hopefully help others who struggle too.

To all of my loved ones who struggle and also all of those that don't I am here for you. If you struggle, there are some things I promise not to say.  I promise I won't tell you that everything will be okay, because I know that logically you might already know this. I promise I won't tell you to just be happy or that you will be better if you just smile more. I promise I won't tell you not to cry. I promise not to make your feelings invalid. I promise not to tell you that you can be sad because someone else has it worse. That is like saying you can never be happy because someone else has it better. I promise I will be here to listen. I won't give advice unless you want it. I will be a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen, You are loved. We are all in this together and together we can make it through.

Love at First Sight...

Do I believe in love at first sight??? Nope. Never have. To me love at first sight has always been a myth.  A rouse perpetrated by Hollywood.  It wasn't something that happened to normal people. It just wasn't realistic. Today I had an experience that has started to change the way I think about love at first sight.

Now, I am not talking about "lust at first sight".  I am talking about 100% real love.  The kind of love that makes you willing to do anything for that person.  The kind of love that will convince you that you can move mountains and do anything. The kind of love when you know without a shadow of a doubt that that person will be part of your life for eternity. The kind of love that puts someone else's happiness above your own.

Today, my niece had a beautiful baby boy.  Baby Boston.  I knew the moment I saw him that I was in love. I didn't carry him. I didn't give birth to him, but the moment I saw him I knew that I loved him. I knew that I would do anything for him and his happiness.  In that moment I also knew that my thoughts about love at first sight were way off base.  Love at first sight is something different.  As I drove away from the hospital I thought about other times in my life that I have felt that feeling.  The more I thought, the more my opinion of love at first sight changed.

As a single 30 year old I am not living the life I thought I would be living when I was a little girl. I dreamed that I would be madly in love with a family of my own by this time.  The older I am getting, the less likely that is to happen. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to have a husband and be a mother, but I know that that isn't going to stop me from living my life and being the best me that I can be. As I held this sweet baby boy today I realized that I can still have all of the love in my life that I desire. And even better, I can experience love at first sight anytime I get the opportunity.

I believe that love at first sight is a special gift from our Heavenly Father. I believe that in those moments that we feel "love at first sight", what really is happening is what we are getting a rare chance to see someone as Heavenly Father sees them. In that moment, because of that love, we can't help but be drawn to a person. Our Heavenly Father loves all of us so much that He sent His son to give us the opportunity to return home and be a family.  I love that Heavenly Father gives us these tender moments to see who He is and to see others how He sees them.  In these moments, if we are aware, we might get to see who we are as well.

That is what love at first sight is to and I have felt it numerous times. I felt it when I held my niece for the fist time. I felt it as I watched my nieces grow into beautiful, smart, capable women.  I felt it as I held my nephew for the first time and I still feel it when that boy (now 12) hugs his Aunt Shannon even though it may not be the cool thing to do anymore. I have felt it as I have had the chance to sit in the temple of the Lord and watched as my friends and family have been sealed to their spouse and families. I have felt it as I have shared the gospel with those in my life. I have felt it as I have spent time with my family, laughing and enjoying every moment together. I feel it when I am serving my fellow man. I feel it when I pray and when I read my scriptures.  I feel it in the quiet moments when I can shut off my brain noise and just listen.

Thank you Baby Boston for helping me realize what love at first sight really is. Thank you for giving me another moment of love at first sight.

My Girls

My Girls

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart" ~Elizabeth Foley

Over the last few days I have spent some time thinking about some of the things that have shaped my life. One of the biggest things has been the friends that I have. I have been blessed throughout my life with some wonderful people to call my friends and with recent discoveries and changes in my life,  I feel the need to reflect on my girls. 

Ally and I

Ally

I have known Ally for the longest. She and I went to high school together. When I first met Ally I wasn't sure what to think about her. She was everything I was not and that was intimidating. It wasn't until we were in a singles ward that I really got to know her. She is funny and kind and she genuinely cares for others. She likes to make people laugh and she isn't afraid to be herself.  She is goofy and smart and talented.   

Tami and I

Tami

Next is Tami. I met Tami in the same singles ward that Ally and I were in. Tami was one that I had watched for a while, wanting to be friends with her. She is smart and driven and one of the best listeners. She is sweet and gentle and welcoming and accepting to everyone.

April and I

April
Then there is April. Again, the singles ward is where I met her. She joined the ward and people were just drawn to her, myself included. She is honest and genuine and talented. She is silly and caring and original.

Amy and I

Amy
Finally, there is Amy. Common thread... Singles ward. Amy was the last one to join this group and is an incredible addition. She is dedicated and persistent and outgoing. She is bubbly and smart and giving.





These girls and I have been through a lot together. We have had our moments of laughter and tears. We have been through three marriages and two kids (so far) collectively. We have had some tough times, but mostly we have had wonderful adventures, heartfelt talks, killer girls nights and dance parties. We have spent years together and grown in so many different ways. As our lives continue to progress and we continue to go different ways, I know that I am so blessed to be able to call these wonderful women my friends. I know that I can call on them at any time and they will be there for me. These women are great and spiritual women. They are amazing friends. They are strong and they are beautiful and I am blessed to have them.

Who You Are: A Message To All Women

Today has been a bit of a rough day.  There are days when I am on top of the world and then there are days where I struggle.  Today was a struggle.

All of my life I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy.  "I'm not....", "I can't do...",  "I'm not as good as....", "I have no...".  You can fill in the blanks with all of the thoughts that ran through my head. I'm sure most of the thoughts that you could possibly think have wandered through mine.  Every time there is a set back in my life, every time things don't go like I would like them to, every time I have a day that is a struggle,  those thoughts invade my mind.  They are like a python with it's prey,  taking hold and squeezing the life out of me.  It is like I am trapped and I can't get away. That was how my day started and as it progressed, it seemed like that was all I was going to have today.  It is crazy how quick Satan can get a hold of me and how easy it is for me to believe it. It frightens me sometimes how well he knows me and my weaknesses.

Fortunately, I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and my weaknesses better.  He knows how to comfort me.  He knows what I need to hear and learn.  He knows me.  And most importantly He loves me.  Today, during one of my moments of why me and why not me and why am I not good enough, my Heavenly Father used my friend Cameron to give me a tender reminder that I am enough.  It was a sweet reminder that I am not alone, that I am known to Him, and that I am loved.  Cameron doesn't know how much he helped me today because he doesn't know how much this video he shared touched me.

I feel like I need to share this video with as many girls as I can.  It is hard being a girl in a time when perfection is pushed on us from every direction. It is hard to remember who you are and what you stand for when the world is telling you that you have to conform.  It is hard remembering that you were born to be great.  It is hard to remember that you have a divine destiny and purpose.  It is sometimes hard to remember that you are daughter of God.



This post today started out being something very different.  It was originally going to be a venting post, a post where I could get all of my frustration out, but after I stepped back and looked it changed.  I started to realize that after every "pity me" moment I had today Heavenly Father blessed me with what I call tender mercies. Gentile reminders that He is there and if I am looking, listening, and prepared He will bless me.  I sometimes forget how blessed I am.  I forget that I am important.  I am so grateful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to have sent His Son to provide a way for me to get back home.  He loves me enough to give me a family that I can turn to no matter what.  He loves me enough to give me good friends.  He loves me enough to let me have trials so that I can learn and become better. I AM BLESSED!!!

Running an uphill race...

Lately I feel like I have been running an uphill race.  I never knew that life could be so exhausting.  I am working really hard to be a better, more social and outgoing person, but sometimes I feel like it isn't worth trying.  I really want to be that girl.  I want to be the friend that everyone wants to have. I want to be the person that people like an trust and want to be around.  I want to be more than just a face in the crowd.  In my heart, I know that I have friends. Convincing my head of that is an entirely different matter. I know that I need to be learning something from this time in my life, I am just not sure what it is.

I tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting things I don't have.  It comes from knowing, recognizing, appreciating and most importantly, believing the good things that I have in my life are good things.  It is hard to let myself believe that I deserve the good things in my life.  So starting with what I know.  I know I have a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior.  I know that I have a great family and I sometimes don't appreciate them like I should. I know that despite my best efforts to keep others at bay, I have friends. I know that in order to become better there are things I need to give up and change.  

 Starting now, I am going to change some things.

1. I am going to quit doubting myself.  
2. I am going to give up negative thinking.
3. I am going to let go of the fear of failure and embrace my dreams and goals.
4. I am going to get rid of destructive relationships in my life.  I need to surround myself with those who are good and wholesome and uplifting.
5. I am going to stop gossiping. 
6. I am going to stop criticizing others and myself.
7. I am going to give up being angry at myself and others.
8. I am going to quit turning to food as a way to escape.
9. I am going to be more active and less lazy.
10. I am going to tell the negative voice in my head to shut up.  It is my life and I can be or do anything I want.
11. I am going to stop putting off the things that I need to do.  Procrastination is the thief of time.
12. I will give up the fear of success. 
13. I will quit being a people pleaser.  I can't make everyone happy and I shouldn't have to try.
14. I will make time for me and my needs and not just push them aside.

365 days later... Oh what a difference a year can make.

Oh what a difference a year can make.  

As I sit here today, listening to the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in the background, I am taking the opportunity to reflect on my year.  Today is the day before my 30th birthday.  Last year on this day I was heart broken, I was bitter, and I was very, very angry. I felt like life had dealt me a rotten hand and I felt like I had no choice but to deal with it.  My friend had all but admitted that she liked the guy I was crazy about and he liked her too.  I thought I had no friends. I disliked my ward and I had no direction or purpose in the world.

Now I sit here, a year later, and I am grateful for the way things have turned out.  My friend and the guy are now planning a wedding and they are so in love with each other and I couldn't be happier for them.  They were meant to be together. Through the persistence of some wonderful people I know that I have friends.  There are some incredible people in my ward and while I still don't know my purpose or really what direction I am heading, I know that my Father in Heaven has it under control. 

I'm learning that it is okay to be sad, but it isn't okay to let it consume me.  I am learning to let people into my life again.  I am learning to enjoy those peaceful moments when it is quiet.  I know that I still have a long way to go.  Things aren't always going to go my way.  It isn't always going to be easy.  I'm not always going to like it.  In fact, sometimes I am going to downright hate it.  I know though that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me and what I need.  I know that I have been blessed with the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I know that I am a child of God and that I am special.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and right now that is all I need to know.

Oh what a difference a year can make!!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Part 2: The Unapologetic Geek

In my search to find the beauty in me, I have learned a couple of things about myself.  One of the biggest things that I have learned is that I am an unapologetic geek.  There are a few things that I absolutely geek out about and the biggest one is Harry Potter.  I am the girl who has read the books and seen the movies multiple times. I love the movies, but I still love the books more.  I am the girl that stayed up all night to get and then read the books.  I am the girl who dressed up and went to every midnight premier.  I am the girl who knows more about Harry Potter than your average person.  I am the girl who still cries when my favorite characters die, even though I know that it is going to happen.  I am that girl that is convinced that my Hogwarts letter got lost because I am way to awesome to be a Muggle. I am a geek and I am proud of that.

Besides my love of Harry Potter, I am a complete geek.  I love superheros and Disney and Harry Potter and books and movies.  It is quite possible that this will keep me single for the rest of my life.  I know that if I ever find someone he will love me for who I am, geekiness and all.  I am a geek.  I know it and I love it and I am not at all sorry.  Being a geek is part of the beauty of being me.  Beauty is 100% in the eye of the beholder and I am starting to find the beauty in me. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Part 1

I had an "ah-ha" moment last night.  I had spent some time feeling kind of low yesterday and as I was heading to bed I read a blog that made me stop and rethink some things.  To read the whole blog go HERE.

We live in a world where beauty is shoved at us from every angle.  We are told that we must look a certain way.  Wear the right clothes.  Do our makeup the right way. We have to weigh the right amount and have perfect skin.  Heaven forbid, we have a bad hair day, zits, a little extra weight, or we stay in our sweats all day long.  In this society all of those things are unacceptable. 

 By the world's standards, I am not a beautiful person.  For a lot of my life,  Okay for most of my life this  bothered  me.  It still bothers me more often than not.  But, there was something in that blog post that made me stop and think.  One of the women who answered said this, "Some days it's not easy to see beauty.  It's easier to see that heat and humidity make my skin flush and my hair go crazy. Or that I don't weigh what I want to. Or I just plain don't feel good about myself some days. And then I remember.  When we insult ourselves, we insult God's creation."

WHOA!!! Think about that for just a second.  Never in my life have I thought about it in that light.  When we insult ourselves, we insult God's creation.  That hit me so hard when I read it last night.  It took my breath away and made me cry.  It brought me to my knees and had me pleading with my Heavenly Father for forgiveness.  How many times have I criticized and insulted myself throughout my life?  How many times have I, in essence, said Heavenly Father, you made a mistake with me?  I forget or maybe I simply don't believe that I am a daughter of God.  He loves me and I was made in His image.  How dare I look at myself as anything other than that.  It is pure arrogance that leads me to these thoughts.  Heavenly Father made me. He knows me.  He loves me and I should love myself just as much.

An Unexpected Journey

 My life is crazy.  I look at all of the things that have happened over the last little while and I am amazed at the many times I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life.

My life is not at all the way I had intended it to be. I did not intend to be almost 30 and single.  I did not intend to be almost 30 and have no real idea about what I want to do with my life.  I did not intend to have a niece get married before I do.  I did not intend to be living the life that I am living, but I am okay.

I am okay with where I am at.  There are days when I feel scared and alone and I feel like I will never get further than where I am right now.  On those days, when I feel like the biggest loser,  if I am listening and paying attention, it is then that Heavenly Father offers me sweet relief.  He offers me a word, a thought, an action, or a feeling.  Most of these come through prayer and scripture study, but often they come through another person.  The people that He has brought into my life have shaped me and made me into the person that I am.

I have been blessed with an incredible family that I love and who loves me.  My family is always there for me.  Whether it is my mother who always sees the best in me, even when I forget or my sister who pushes me and doesn't let me quit.  It's my brother in law who is smart and reminds me that it okay to stand out and be who I want to be.  It is my niece who keeps me involved in her wedding plans even when I am wanting to to feel sorry for myself and cut myself off from everyone and it is my nephew who hugs me and loves me no matter how old he gets.

I have been blessed with friends.  Not a lot, but the ones I have are always there for me.  They are good, kind, honest, and caring people.  And even though my friends come and go,  they have left pieces of themselves within me.  Things I will always have with me. I have been blessed with a great church family and I am grateful for all the love and help that they have given me.


And so, even though there will always be hard times and I will always need fine tuning I am who I am.

I AM ME AND I AM OKAY!!!!!

A bit of gratitude

10 days ago, I started an experiment; a display of gratitude, if you will. First, a little back story about why I started this.

Things in my life have not been going the way I thought they should be. I was bitter and angry towards the whole world.  I felt utterly alone and absolutely friendless.  The people I considered to be my closest friends seemed to have abandoned me and forgot that I existed. It felt to me like the only time anyone would talk to me was if I started a conversation first.  Friendship shouldn't be that way.  Friendship should be a two way street. So because of this, my stubborn pride kicked in and I flat out refused to make an effort with any of them.  After all, I shouldn't be the only one making the effort right?  If they really wanted anything to do with me they would put forth some effort too.  These were the thoughts that were bouncing around inside my head.  These are damaging and brutal thoughts.

A couple of days before Halloween, my friend invited me to a Facebook event.  I read through the event and I liked the concept so I decided to try it out.  For the 56 days between Halloween and Christmas you were to pick a Facebook friend and tell them why they were special and what they mean to you.  The outcome was just to spread a little love around. So Halloween night, again feeling sad and bitter I looked through my friends and I said a sincere prayer about who I should involve in this and slowly, name by name, I developed a list of 56 friends. 56 people who needed to know how I felt about them and how they have changed me.

So, here I am 10 days later and I feel less alone than I have in a long time. Has anything changed about the situation? No.  Am I still the one to make the effort? Yes. The one thing that has changed has been MY attitude.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself because of what I don't have, I am grateful for what I do have. I can't wait to see what the next 46 days bring.  :)

Unanswered Prayers

Lately, there have been a lot of little things that I have noticed about my life that have come about because of unanswered prayers.  I am grateful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me well enough to know what I need and when I need it.  It really is true that some of God's greatest gifts come in the form of unanswered prayers.  It is a comfort to know that there is a plan for my life and even though I don't know it or understand it, I am glad someone does.

Growing Up. Part 2

      To those of you who read my blog... you know that my last blog entry was sad.  It was full of anger, bitterness, and resentment.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be the type of person who feels like I have to cut myself off from my friends because I feel sorry for myself and I absolutely don't want my friends to be afraid or worried to tell me things because they don't want to hurt my feelings.  Does this mean that I am 100% okay with the situation? No.  Does it mean that it doesn't hurt anymore? No. Does it mean that I don't feel sorry for myself sometimes? No.  All it means is that I am figuring out a different way to deal with it. After all, I am growing up.
     Lately, I have been all about posting thought-provoking questions to my friends on Facebook.  Not only does it clue me in on the insights of others, it helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings.  I have found that when I have to think about how I would answer one of my own questions, it helps me know where I stand on the subject.Yesterday's topic was one that has been on my mind a lot lately. I asked them what their thoughts were on the statement "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."  The answers I got both surprised and saddened me.  I could tell the ones who have been or who are in love and I could tell which ones were in the depths of loss.
     Now, I see both sides of the coin.  If you have never been in love, than you have no idea what you are missing.  You don't know the happiness and joy that comes from being in love and so you don't worry about it.  If you have been blessed enough to have been in love, than you know those feelings and it makes you sad to think of life without it. Whether you have lost or not, you know the good of love.
      My friend Kaylee answered it like this. "It's absolutely true! Now that I've experienced it, it makes me sad for anyone who never has or never will. Some people never let their guard down and open themselves to the possibility of love in fear of hurt or rejection. But you have to think about it logically... Of all the people you think you might love or have loved, only a few will actually ever work out. not every person you fall for will feel the same, it's just the way the cookie crumbles..haha. But, you have to be willing to take the risk! :) you have to know that anything could happen! People always say "there's a chance that it might not last forever" but guess what else that means? There's a chance that it could :) being in love is a great feeling! And if it fails, then you're better prepared the next time around, and you can be more picky about who deserves your love."
     I have never been in a relationship where I have been loved, but I have been in love.  I have loved deeply and completely.  I have given everything I have and everything I am and everything I want to be.  I don't understand that type of love, but I know what love is and I agree that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. A life without love is sad.  You have to take the heartaches that come with it.  If you survive those, the joy that will come when you find the one who loves you as much as you love them will be indescribable and will change your thoughts forever.

Growing up.

As I sit here, the day before my 29th birthday, wading through the emotions of getting older I am reflecting on all of the ways I have had to grow up this year.  The most recent one came today as I had to put on the proverbial "big girl panties" and make a choice to grow up.  Here's the situation I faced today...  There is a guy that I have liked for years.  We are good friends.  For almost as long as I have liked him I have known that there would never be anything more than friendship between us.  I am not pretty enough for him. Now, I am not saying that I am ugly, but that I know him and the girls he has always liked.  That being said, I never gave up the hope that he would one day look at me and see me.  Really see me.

That hasn't happened.  He likes my best friend.  She is a beautiful and amazing woman and any guy would be out of his mind not to like her.  She likes him too. She may not admit it fully yet, but she does.  I'm fairly certain that if they start dating they will be married not to terribly soon after.  She asked me today if it hurt my feelings that he liked her.  I lied to her and told her no. It's a good thing this conversation happened through text messages otherwise she would have known the complete truth.  You can't hide emotions like that.  The tears in my eyes would have betrayed me.  The truth is, it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and held up for the world to see. I told her what I did because she is my best friend and he is amazing and I would never want either of them to be unhappy because of me.  Does that make me a terrible friend??? I am now in an awkward position.  I don't know if I can continue to hang out with them having the feelings that I have.  So my options are to either suck it up or find new friends.

My growing up moment came as I decided to give up on something I have wanted for years, at great heartache to myself, so that someone else could be happy.  Eventually, my friend is going to read this, I know she will and to her I say... I love you.  You are amazing and my rantings here are just that, RANTINGS.   I want for you every happiness in the world.  I'm going to do everything in my power to see that you get that.   Even if it means removing myself from the situation.  I am not mad at you or him. You have my full support.  I am just struggling to get through this right now.  Given enough time I will be okay with it. Please don;t hate me for it.

The chorus of this song is exactly how I feel right now.  I'm gonna let him go in style and even if it kills me... I'm gonna smile.

La vita è bella... Or Life is Beautiful.

Even though life is strange and can change at the drop of a hat, it is still beautiful. My life has been crazy as of late, but crazy is good... Right? On Tuesday I found out that my grandma, my mom's mom, passed away. I never really knew her, but the blow was still hard. I am blessed to have some amazing friends and family in my life to help me through things like this. I am also blessed because I have a knowledge of the gospel. I am blessed that I have the knowledge that I will have the opportunity to see loved ones again. That is a great comfort in my life. :) So even though life is strange, love makes it beautiful.

Changes

I love my life. It doesn't always go the way I want it to go, but I love it none the less. Things have been going well in my life. :) Just wanted to put that out there today.

Barbie Love

I saw this saying posted on someone's Facebook wall today and I had to make it my own. I changed the font, color, and of course added a Barbie. I may not know any little girls with cancer, but I do know that there are a lot of grown women with cancer who still love Barbie. Everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to feel beautiful. :)

Ramblings from a Troubled Mind

My mind has been consumed lately with what seem to be the worries of the world. It has been a rough road for me. I kind of feel like I am just wandering around aimlessly. I am not sure why either and that is equally frustrating. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that if I keep doing the things I know I need to be doing He will bless me, but patience has never been my strong suit. I am an instant gratification kind of person and this feeling of having no direction or purpose kills me.

On a completely different note, I did have an experience last week that reminded me of how aware Heavenly Father is of me. My family and I went to see The Forgotten Carols. It was such a neat experience. I found myself in tears for most of it. The feelings of peace and love that I felt as I watched overwhelmed me. During that time I felt without a shadow of a doubt the love that Heavenly Father has for me. It was almost as if I had gotten my note for that day and it read, "I know you. I am aware of you. You can do this. And above all else, I love you."

Always in my heart

It's been 10 years. 10 years since I graduated from high school. 10 years since my first year of college. 10 years since the world changed forever. 10 years ago the world trade centers were attacked, altering the way we have always lived and the way we would live for the rest of time. As this time has come upon me I have spent a lot of time pondering the events of that day. Has it really changed me? Have I started to live the way I think I should? Did this event change my life???

Sadly, the answer to most of these questions is no. It is something that has influenced my thoughts and my heart, but have I internalized it like I should have? No. This is something that should have impacted everything in my life. Despite all of that, this time of year holds a tender place in my heart. As I sit and listen to a news station going over the events of that day 10 years ago, my heart and mind run through the gauntlet of emotions that I experienced that day. My heart aches for those who lost loved ones. Fear of the unknown penetrates my soul. The tears flow freely even 10 years later. The worries I harbored before that day seem inconsequential in retrospect.Even in the face of terror, the bonding that came from that event, lives in my heart. I learned to appreciate those who made my life what it is. My friends, my family, all of the men and women who go out every day to make sure that I get to keep the freedoms I have, and their families. Theirs is a hard job too. I learned to love again and I learned that it is the people that make life worth living.

I often think to myself as I see a soldier in uniform if they know how grateful I am. A little voice whispers in my head to thank them, even if I don't know them. As that thought comes and goes, I find myself watching as they go. An opportunity missed and a moment passed. Then I spend the rest of the night kicking myself. The job that they do is thankless. They go to work and do their job in silence. They do it because they believe in a better world. They do it because they love so much that they have to protect the rest of us. They do it because they are heroes. Silent and strong they go about their lives in a way that most people only dream of.

So, on this eve of September 11, 2011 I have have decided that instead of letting those moments pass me by, I am going to jump at every chance I get to let the brave men and women I know how grateful I am. Today I will: Thank every soldier I see. I will thank the police and the firemen. Because my heart is bursting with pride for the red, white, and blue and because I am grateful. Thank you to all of the military personal I know. You are all heroes. :)

Stumbling blocks or stepping stones...

Recently I decided that I was going to move to Virginia and go to Southern Virginia University. I was terrified. The thought of leaving left me nearly paralyzed with fear, but everything was falling into place so nicely that I couldn't deny that it was what I should be doing. Once I got used to the idea I started getting excited about it. I would be going back to my mission. A town that I loved and have wanted to go back to since I left it the first time. I knew the school and I knew the people. I finally started telling people I was leaving.

As things have gotten closer to the time I am supposed to leave a little problem has popped up. I am short on tuition money. I have been working like a mad woman to try and figure out how I am going to come up with it. So far, nothing has worked. Now I could look at this as a stumbling block or I could look at as a stepping stone. To be honest, I have looked at it as a stumbling block. I have been angry and bitter. I have been mad because things have worked fairly well well for my friend. I wondered what I did wrong to have it fall apart. I got really sick of hearing "everything will work out the way it is supposed to" and "you just have to trust Heavenly Father" and "you just need to have a better attitude". Truth is, I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let everyone down and I felt like everyone was going to look at me like I was just lying to them.

Deep down I knew the things everyone was telling me were true. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. Do I know it is??? Nope. Does my faith falter??? Yup. Do I still get angry when I think about it sometimes??? Yup! Am I perfect??? Nope, no where close even. I am trying to go off the idea now that this is a stepping stone and not a stumbling block. I am trying to have faith that Heavenly Father has a reason for it not to work out for me right now. I am trying to trust Him and put it all in His hands. I am trying...

28 things I've learned... and a few I haven't.

As my 28th birthday was approaching I started to ponder all of the things I have learned this past year. It seemed like a challenge to come up with 28 at first, but as I thought I found it more difficult to limit myself to only 28. :) I apologize in advance because this is a long post.

So here are the things I've learned...

• No matter how hard I try or how much I want, I will never be just like my sister and that is okay.


• Those times when your mom seems like more than you can handle, just remember that everything she does is because she loves you. Hers is a thankless job with long hours and bad pay, so go easy on her and tell her you love her often.


• You will have many best friends throughout your life. Each one will bring something special to the table.


• Friends change and grow. Just because you don't spend as much time together doesn't mean you aren't friends.


• being an adult sometimes sucks. It is no where near as fun as Hollywood makes it seem.


• Disneyland can make anyone, no matter their age, feel like a child.


• Flying a kite and doing kitchen science projects will always be more fun than watching tv or playing video games.


• Sometimes it's okay to fight. As long as it is a fair fight.


• Bad self esteem isn't something that you can improve instantly. It took a long time to build bad self esteem. Logic says it will take a while to fix it.


• I can so anything I want as long as I don't give up.


• I am a cryer. It doesn't take a lot to make me cry and once I start it is sometimes difficult to stop.


• You can't force change on anyone. If someone doesn't want to change they never will.


• Some of the toughest people I know have the biggest hearts. Proving once again that you can't judge a book by it's cover.


• My family is AWESOME. How many other people will dress up like Harry Potter characters and go out in public looking silly.


• A nine year old boy is great entertainment even though slightly annoying at times.


• Birthdays aren't as much fun as an adult as they are as a kid.


• I am way better than I give myself credit for.


• I may not be the prettiest, smartest, or the most talented, but I am a daughter of God. A Heavenly Father who loves me just the way I am.


• I am glad I have a good relationship with my siblings. I would be very sad if I didn't.


• If you ever feel invisible or forgotten just post your birthday on Facebook. Then people come out of the woodwork to wish you happy birthday.


• I don't have to be popular. I just have to be me.


• There is always going to be something that stirs in my heart when I see a flag waving in the breeze or a soldier in uniform.


• I will always be a kid at heart.


• I am a nerd. I love books and movies and random useless knowledge.


• My life is made better by all of the wonderful people I know.


• If someone doesn't want you in their life it doesn't mean you should stop trying to include them in yours.


• Despite much protestation I always feel better when I look good.


• Worrying about the future doesn't do anything but give me wrinkles.

There are also some things I haven't learned...

• I haven't learned what it is like to have someone who looks at me and loves me and thinks I am beautiful and wants to spend eternity with.


• I haven't learned what I want to be when I grow up.


• I haven't learned how to be the person the Lord wants me to be or His plan for me.

As I embark on another year of life I look forward to all of the things I will learn. Who knows, maybe this will be the year that I learn some of the things that I haven't learned in years past.