Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Who You Are: A Message To All Women

Today has been a bit of a rough day.  There are days when I am on top of the world and then there are days where I struggle.  Today was a struggle.

All of my life I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy.  "I'm not....", "I can't do...",  "I'm not as good as....", "I have no...".  You can fill in the blanks with all of the thoughts that ran through my head. I'm sure most of the thoughts that you could possibly think have wandered through mine.  Every time there is a set back in my life, every time things don't go like I would like them to, every time I have a day that is a struggle,  those thoughts invade my mind.  They are like a python with it's prey,  taking hold and squeezing the life out of me.  It is like I am trapped and I can't get away. That was how my day started and as it progressed, it seemed like that was all I was going to have today.  It is crazy how quick Satan can get a hold of me and how easy it is for me to believe it. It frightens me sometimes how well he knows me and my weaknesses.

Fortunately, I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and my weaknesses better.  He knows how to comfort me.  He knows what I need to hear and learn.  He knows me.  And most importantly He loves me.  Today, during one of my moments of why me and why not me and why am I not good enough, my Heavenly Father used my friend Cameron to give me a tender reminder that I am enough.  It was a sweet reminder that I am not alone, that I am known to Him, and that I am loved.  Cameron doesn't know how much he helped me today because he doesn't know how much this video he shared touched me.

I feel like I need to share this video with as many girls as I can.  It is hard being a girl in a time when perfection is pushed on us from every direction. It is hard to remember who you are and what you stand for when the world is telling you that you have to conform.  It is hard remembering that you were born to be great.  It is hard to remember that you have a divine destiny and purpose.  It is sometimes hard to remember that you are daughter of God.



This post today started out being something very different.  It was originally going to be a venting post, a post where I could get all of my frustration out, but after I stepped back and looked it changed.  I started to realize that after every "pity me" moment I had today Heavenly Father blessed me with what I call tender mercies. Gentile reminders that He is there and if I am looking, listening, and prepared He will bless me.  I sometimes forget how blessed I am.  I forget that I am important.  I am so grateful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to have sent His Son to provide a way for me to get back home.  He loves me enough to give me a family that I can turn to no matter what.  He loves me enough to give me good friends.  He loves me enough to let me have trials so that I can learn and become better. I AM BLESSED!!!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Running an uphill race...


Lately I feel like I have been running an uphill race.  I never knew that life could be so exhausting.  I am working really hard to be a better, more social and outgoing person, but sometimes I feel like it isn't worth trying.  I really want to be that girl.  I want to be the friend that everyone wants to have. I want to be the person that people like an trust and want to be around.  I want to be more than just a face in the crowd.  In my heart, I know that I have friends. Convincing my head of that is an entirely different matter. I know that I need to be learning something from this time in my life, I am just not sure what it is.


I tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting things I don't have.  It comes from knowing, recognizing, appreciating and most importantly, believing the good things that I have in my life are good things.  It is hard to let myself believe that I deserve the good things in my life.  So starting with what I know.  I know I have a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior.  I know that I have a great family and I sometimes don't appreciate them like I should. I know that despite my best efforts to keep others at bay, I have friends. I know that in order to become better there are things I need to give up and change.  


 Starting now, I am going to change some things.

  1. I am going to quit doubting myself.  
  2. I am going to give up negative thinking.
  3. I am going to let go of the fear of failure and embrace my dreams and goals.
  4. I am going to get rid of destructive relationships in my life.  I need to surround myself with those who are good and wholesome and uplifting.
  5. I am going to stop gossiping. 
  6. I am going to stop criticizing others and myself.
  7. I am going to give up being angry at myself and others.
  8. I am going to quit turning to food as a way to escape.
  9. I am going to be more active and less lazy.
  10. I am going to tell the negative voice in my head to shut up.  It is my life and I can be or do anything I want.
  11. I am going to stop putting off the things that I need to do.  Procrastination is the thief of time.
  12. I will give up the fear of success. 
  13. I will quit being a people pleaser.  I can't make everyone happy and I shouldn't have to try.
  14. I will make time for me and my needs and not just push them aside.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

365 days later... Oh what a difference a year can make.

Oh what a difference a year can make.  

As I sit here today, listening to the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in the background, I am taking the opportunity to reflect on my year.  Today is the day before my 30th birthday.  Last year on this day I was heart broken, I was bitter, and I was very, very angry. I felt like life had dealt me a rotten hand and I felt like I had no choice but to deal with it.  My friend had all but admitted that she liked the guy I was crazy about and he liked her too.  I thought I had no friends. I disliked my ward and I had no direction or purpose in the world.

Now I sit here, a year later, and I am grateful for the way things have turned out.  My friend and the guy are now planning a wedding and they are so in love with each other and I couldn't be happier for them.  They were meant to be together. Through the persistence of some wonderful people I know that I have friends.  There are some incredible people in my ward and while I still don't know my purpose or really what direction I am heading, I know that my Father in Heaven has it under control. 

I'm learning that it is okay to be sad, but it isn't okay to let it consume me.  I am learning to let people into my life again.  I am learning to enjoy those peaceful moments when it is quiet.  I know that I still have a long way to go.  Things aren't always going to go my way.  It isn't always going to be easy.  I'm not always going to like it.  In fact, sometimes I am going to downright hate it.  I know though that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me and what I need.  I know that I have been blessed with the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I know that I am a child of God and that I am special.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and right now that is all I need to know.

Oh what a difference a year can make!!

Friday, May 24, 2013

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Part 2: The Unapologetic Geek

In my search to find the beauty in me, I have learned a couple of things about myself.  One of the biggest things that I have learned is that I am an unapologetic geek.  There are a few things that I absolutely geek out about and the biggest one is Harry Potter.  I am the girl who has read the books and seen the movies multiple times. I love the movies, but I still love the books more.  I am the girl that stayed up all night to get and then read the books.  I am the girl who dressed up and went to every midnight premier.  I am the girl who knows more about Harry Potter than your average person.  I am the girl who still cries when my favorite characters die, even though I know that it is going to happen.  I am that girl that is convinced that my Hogwarts letter got lost because I am way to awesome to be a Muggle. I am a geek and I am proud of that.

Besides my love of Harry Potter, I am a complete geek.  I love superheros and Disney and Harry Potter and books and movies.  It is quite possible that this will keep me single for the rest of my life.  I know that if I ever find someone he will love me for who I am, geekiness and all.  I am a geek.  I know it and I love it and I am not at all sorry.  Being a geek is part of the beauty of being me.  Beauty is 100% in the eye of the beholder and I am starting to find the beauty in me. 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Part 1

I had an "ah-ha" moment last night.  I had spent some time feeling kind of low yesterday and as I was heading to bed I read a blog that made me stop and rethink some things.  To read the whole blog go HERE.

We live in a world where beauty is shoved at us from every angle.  We are told that we must look a certain way.  Wear the right clothes.  Do our makeup the right way. We have to weigh the right amount and have perfect skin.  Heaven forbid, we have a bad hair day, zits, a little extra weight, or we stay in our sweats all day long.  In this society all of those things are unacceptable. 

 By the world's standards, I am not a beautiful person.  For a lot of my life,  Okay for most of my life this  bothered  me.  It still bothers me more often than not.  But, there was something in that blog post that made me stop and think.  One of the women who answered said this, "Some days it's not easy to see beauty.  It's easier to see that heat and humidity make my skin flush and my hair go crazy. Or that I don't weigh what I want to. Or I just plain don't feel good about myself some days. And then I remember.  When we insult ourselves, we insult God's creation."

WHOA!!! Think about that for just a second.  Never in my life have I thought about it in that light.  When we insult ourselves, we insult God's creation.  That hit me so hard when I read it last night.  It took my breath away and made me cry.  It brought me to my knees and had me pleading with my Heavenly Father for forgiveness.  How many times have I criticized and insulted myself throughout my life?  How many times have I, in essence, said Heavenly Father, you made a mistake with me?  I forget or maybe I simply don't believe that I am a daughter of God.  He loves me and I was made in His image.  How dare I look at myself as anything other than that.  It is pure arrogance that leads me to these thoughts.  Heavenly Father made me. He knows me.  He loves me and I should love myself just as much.

Friday, April 5, 2013

An Unexpected Journey


 My life is crazy.  I look at all of the things that have happened over the last little while and I am amazed at the many times I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life.

My life is not at all the way I had intended it to be. I did not intend to be almost 30 and single.  I did not intend to be almost 30 and have no real idea about what I want to do with my life.  I did not intend to have a niece get married before I do.  I did not intend to be living the life that I am living, but I am okay.

I am okay with where I am at.  There are days when I feel scared and alone and I feel like I will never get further than where I am right now.  On those days, when I feel like the biggest loser,  if I am listening and paying attention, it is then that Heavenly Father offers me sweet relief.  He offers me a word, a thought, an action, or a feeling.  Most of these come through prayer and scripture study, but often they come through another person.  The people that He has brought into my life have shaped me and made me into the person that I am.

I have been blessed with an incredible family that I love and who loves me.  My family is always there for me.  Whether it is my mother who always sees the best in me, even when I forget or my sister who pushes me and doesn't let me quit.  It's my brother in law who is smart and reminds me that it okay to stand out and be who I want to be.  It is my niece who keeps me involved in her wedding plans even when I am wanting to to feel sorry for myself and cut myself off from everyone and it is my nephew who hugs me and loves me no matter how old he gets.

I have been blessed with friends.  Not a lot, but the ones I have are always there for me.  They are good, kind, honest, and caring people.  And even though my friends come and go,  they have left pieces of themselves within me.  Things I will always have with me. I have been blessed with a great church family and I am grateful for all the love and help that they have given me.


And so, even though there will always be hard times and I will always need fine tuning I am who I am.

I AM ME AND I AM OKAY!!!!!