365 days later... Oh what a difference a year can make.

Oh what a difference a year can make.  

As I sit here today, listening to the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in the background, I am taking the opportunity to reflect on my year.  Today is the day before my 30th birthday.  Last year on this day I was heart broken, I was bitter, and I was very, very angry. I felt like life had dealt me a rotten hand and I felt like I had no choice but to deal with it.  My friend had all but admitted that she liked the guy I was crazy about and he liked her too.  I thought I had no friends. I disliked my ward and I had no direction or purpose in the world.

Now I sit here, a year later, and I am grateful for the way things have turned out.  My friend and the guy are now planning a wedding and they are so in love with each other and I couldn't be happier for them.  They were meant to be together. Through the persistence of some wonderful people I know that I have friends.  There are some incredible people in my ward and while I still don't know my purpose or really what direction I am heading, I know that my Father in Heaven has it under control. 

I'm learning that it is okay to be sad, but it isn't okay to let it consume me.  I am learning to let people into my life again.  I am learning to enjoy those peaceful moments when it is quiet.  I know that I still have a long way to go.  Things aren't always going to go my way.  It isn't always going to be easy.  I'm not always going to like it.  In fact, sometimes I am going to downright hate it.  I know though that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me and what I need.  I know that I have been blessed with the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I know that I am a child of God and that I am special.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and right now that is all I need to know.

Oh what a difference a year can make!!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Part 2: The Unapologetic Geek

In my search to find the beauty in me, I have learned a couple of things about myself.  One of the biggest things that I have learned is that I am an unapologetic geek.  There are a few things that I absolutely geek out about and the biggest one is Harry Potter.  I am the girl who has read the books and seen the movies multiple times. I love the movies, but I still love the books more.  I am the girl that stayed up all night to get and then read the books.  I am the girl who dressed up and went to every midnight premier.  I am the girl who knows more about Harry Potter than your average person.  I am the girl who still cries when my favorite characters die, even though I know that it is going to happen.  I am that girl that is convinced that my Hogwarts letter got lost because I am way to awesome to be a Muggle. I am a geek and I am proud of that.

Besides my love of Harry Potter, I am a complete geek.  I love superheros and Disney and Harry Potter and books and movies.  It is quite possible that this will keep me single for the rest of my life.  I know that if I ever find someone he will love me for who I am, geekiness and all.  I am a geek.  I know it and I love it and I am not at all sorry.  Being a geek is part of the beauty of being me.  Beauty is 100% in the eye of the beholder and I am starting to find the beauty in me. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Part 1

I had an "ah-ha" moment last night.  I had spent some time feeling kind of low yesterday and as I was heading to bed I read a blog that made me stop and rethink some things.  To read the whole blog go HERE.

We live in a world where beauty is shoved at us from every angle.  We are told that we must look a certain way.  Wear the right clothes.  Do our makeup the right way. We have to weigh the right amount and have perfect skin.  Heaven forbid, we have a bad hair day, zits, a little extra weight, or we stay in our sweats all day long.  In this society all of those things are unacceptable. 

 By the world's standards, I am not a beautiful person.  For a lot of my life,  Okay for most of my life this  bothered  me.  It still bothers me more often than not.  But, there was something in that blog post that made me stop and think.  One of the women who answered said this, "Some days it's not easy to see beauty.  It's easier to see that heat and humidity make my skin flush and my hair go crazy. Or that I don't weigh what I want to. Or I just plain don't feel good about myself some days. And then I remember.  When we insult ourselves, we insult God's creation."

WHOA!!! Think about that for just a second.  Never in my life have I thought about it in that light.  When we insult ourselves, we insult God's creation.  That hit me so hard when I read it last night.  It took my breath away and made me cry.  It brought me to my knees and had me pleading with my Heavenly Father for forgiveness.  How many times have I criticized and insulted myself throughout my life?  How many times have I, in essence, said Heavenly Father, you made a mistake with me?  I forget or maybe I simply don't believe that I am a daughter of God.  He loves me and I was made in His image.  How dare I look at myself as anything other than that.  It is pure arrogance that leads me to these thoughts.  Heavenly Father made me. He knows me.  He loves me and I should love myself just as much.

An Unexpected Journey

 My life is crazy.  I look at all of the things that have happened over the last little while and I am amazed at the many times I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life.

My life is not at all the way I had intended it to be. I did not intend to be almost 30 and single.  I did not intend to be almost 30 and have no real idea about what I want to do with my life.  I did not intend to have a niece get married before I do.  I did not intend to be living the life that I am living, but I am okay.

I am okay with where I am at.  There are days when I feel scared and alone and I feel like I will never get further than where I am right now.  On those days, when I feel like the biggest loser,  if I am listening and paying attention, it is then that Heavenly Father offers me sweet relief.  He offers me a word, a thought, an action, or a feeling.  Most of these come through prayer and scripture study, but often they come through another person.  The people that He has brought into my life have shaped me and made me into the person that I am.

I have been blessed with an incredible family that I love and who loves me.  My family is always there for me.  Whether it is my mother who always sees the best in me, even when I forget or my sister who pushes me and doesn't let me quit.  It's my brother in law who is smart and reminds me that it okay to stand out and be who I want to be.  It is my niece who keeps me involved in her wedding plans even when I am wanting to to feel sorry for myself and cut myself off from everyone and it is my nephew who hugs me and loves me no matter how old he gets.

I have been blessed with friends.  Not a lot, but the ones I have are always there for me.  They are good, kind, honest, and caring people.  And even though my friends come and go,  they have left pieces of themselves within me.  Things I will always have with me. I have been blessed with a great church family and I am grateful for all the love and help that they have given me.


And so, even though there will always be hard times and I will always need fine tuning I am who I am.

I AM ME AND I AM OKAY!!!!!

A bit of gratitude

10 days ago, I started an experiment; a display of gratitude, if you will. First, a little back story about why I started this.

Things in my life have not been going the way I thought they should be. I was bitter and angry towards the whole world.  I felt utterly alone and absolutely friendless.  The people I considered to be my closest friends seemed to have abandoned me and forgot that I existed. It felt to me like the only time anyone would talk to me was if I started a conversation first.  Friendship shouldn't be that way.  Friendship should be a two way street. So because of this, my stubborn pride kicked in and I flat out refused to make an effort with any of them.  After all, I shouldn't be the only one making the effort right?  If they really wanted anything to do with me they would put forth some effort too.  These were the thoughts that were bouncing around inside my head.  These are damaging and brutal thoughts.

A couple of days before Halloween, my friend invited me to a Facebook event.  I read through the event and I liked the concept so I decided to try it out.  For the 56 days between Halloween and Christmas you were to pick a Facebook friend and tell them why they were special and what they mean to you.  The outcome was just to spread a little love around. So Halloween night, again feeling sad and bitter I looked through my friends and I said a sincere prayer about who I should involve in this and slowly, name by name, I developed a list of 56 friends. 56 people who needed to know how I felt about them and how they have changed me.

So, here I am 10 days later and I feel less alone than I have in a long time. Has anything changed about the situation? No.  Am I still the one to make the effort? Yes. The one thing that has changed has been MY attitude.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself because of what I don't have, I am grateful for what I do have. I can't wait to see what the next 46 days bring.  :)

Unanswered Prayers

Lately, there have been a lot of little things that I have noticed about my life that have come about because of unanswered prayers.  I am grateful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me well enough to know what I need and when I need it.  It really is true that some of God's greatest gifts come in the form of unanswered prayers.  It is a comfort to know that there is a plan for my life and even though I don't know it or understand it, I am glad someone does.

Growing Up. Part 2

      To those of you who read my blog... you know that my last blog entry was sad.  It was full of anger, bitterness, and resentment.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be the type of person who feels like I have to cut myself off from my friends because I feel sorry for myself and I absolutely don't want my friends to be afraid or worried to tell me things because they don't want to hurt my feelings.  Does this mean that I am 100% okay with the situation? No.  Does it mean that it doesn't hurt anymore? No. Does it mean that I don't feel sorry for myself sometimes? No.  All it means is that I am figuring out a different way to deal with it. After all, I am growing up.
     Lately, I have been all about posting thought-provoking questions to my friends on Facebook.  Not only does it clue me in on the insights of others, it helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings.  I have found that when I have to think about how I would answer one of my own questions, it helps me know where I stand on the subject.Yesterday's topic was one that has been on my mind a lot lately. I asked them what their thoughts were on the statement "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."  The answers I got both surprised and saddened me.  I could tell the ones who have been or who are in love and I could tell which ones were in the depths of loss.
     Now, I see both sides of the coin.  If you have never been in love, than you have no idea what you are missing.  You don't know the happiness and joy that comes from being in love and so you don't worry about it.  If you have been blessed enough to have been in love, than you know those feelings and it makes you sad to think of life without it. Whether you have lost or not, you know the good of love.
      My friend Kaylee answered it like this. "It's absolutely true! Now that I've experienced it, it makes me sad for anyone who never has or never will. Some people never let their guard down and open themselves to the possibility of love in fear of hurt or rejection. But you have to think about it logically... Of all the people you think you might love or have loved, only a few will actually ever work out. not every person you fall for will feel the same, it's just the way the cookie crumbles..haha. But, you have to be willing to take the risk! :) you have to know that anything could happen! People always say "there's a chance that it might not last forever" but guess what else that means? There's a chance that it could :) being in love is a great feeling! And if it fails, then you're better prepared the next time around, and you can be more picky about who deserves your love."
     I have never been in a relationship where I have been loved, but I have been in love.  I have loved deeply and completely.  I have given everything I have and everything I am and everything I want to be.  I don't understand that type of love, but I know what love is and I agree that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. A life without love is sad.  You have to take the heartaches that come with it.  If you survive those, the joy that will come when you find the one who loves you as much as you love them will be indescribable and will change your thoughts forever.