A Raw and Open Look at Me.

My post today is something that is hard for me to talk about.  In fact, it is so tough for me to talk about that it has taken me weeks to pull my thoughts together in a coherent manner. I have written and rewritten these words as I have struggled to convey my thoughts and feelings. It is something that cuts deeply into my heart. Every day I wake up and I have to make a decision.  Am I going to be happy or am I going to succumb to the depression that sometimes threatens to devour me? Yes, I struggle with depression and yes, I don't like talking about it much. It is still such a taboo subject and there is such a negative stigma associated with it, but slowly that is starting to change.  I feel like this is the right time to put this out into the world.

I am pretty sure I have had issues with this my whole life, but, the first time I had a medical professional tell me that what I was struggling with was depression was when I was on my mission. I had been out for about eight months when I was told that my nephew, James, had passed away. My mission president thought that it would be beneficial for me to talk to someone. Before this, I never would have thought that there were therapists who worked in the mission department, specifically to help the missionaries who are serving. I spent two hours a week for six weeks just talking. Figuring things out. Figuring me out. It is a long, hard process that I am still working on.

Depression isn't one size fits all. It is different for everyone. Some people have extreme cases. Some people only have small pangs of it every now and then.  For me, it comes in cycles. Sometimes the cycles come every three months. Sometimes I can go six months or even a year between cycles. Sometimes getting out of bed is the most exhausting thing I do in a day. There are times when I want to withdraw completely from everyone. Times when feel completely alone in a crowded room. There are times when the littlest thing can make me cry and it feels nearly impossible to stop. Sometimes the anxiety of living day to day life makes me crazy. There are days when I hate everything about myself and then there are days when I feel nothing at all. No sadness, no happiness, just a general ambivalence toward the world. It has never been bad enough that I have wanted to end it all though and for that I feel extremely blessed. My heart breaks for those that have. I know how bad I sometimes feel and I can't even imagine the emotions that accompany those thoughts.

I have been home from my mission for nearly ten years so that means I have been actively battling depression for nearly eleven years. In those eleven years I have acquired some very valuable information.

Number 1: 
I know what my triggers are and I can tell when a cycle is approaching. I know the warning signs for me. Depression cycles for me start with thoughts of withdrawing from every one. It is accompanied by feelings of being unloved and alone. I start to doubt all of my friendships and the intentions of everyone I know. Knowing this helps me recognize and recognizing helps me deal with it. I know that I can't stop it but, I can lessen the intensity and duration of each cycle. I know that by making small changes such as taking the time to take care of myself or doing something for someone else makes all of the difference.  Again, I know that not everyone can control or can alter things to affect their depression. These are just things that have helped me cope.

Number 2:
I am not depressed. I have depression, but that is not who I am. When I first saw this video I immediately thought to myself, this is easy for someone on the outside to say. I thought that there is no way that this guy can really know what depression feels like. After watching it the first time I replayed it. Before I rewatched it I said a short prayer.  I asked to have my heart opened because I don't believe in coincedences and I felt like there had to be a reason for this to have come across my Facebook feed. As I rewatched it that second time something stood out to me.  If I started to identify as someone who is depressed than I negated all of the good and unique things about me. I am not depressed. I have depression, but that is not who I am.

Number 3:
I am not alone in this. I have friends and family who struggle with this as well. It is becoming more and more of an open topic as more high profile people are coming out and bringing it to the forefront. Together we can bring about a change in the world. I also have a loving Heavenly Father who knows perfectly how to help me. He knows the darkest places of my mind. He knows more about me and my struggle than I do. He has provided many people, opportunities, and remedies to help me. He has helped me learn that there is nothing wrong with admitting that I struggle. In fact, I think He wants me to admit it. When I put it out there it will help me heal and hopefully help others who struggle too.

To all of my loved ones who struggle and also all of those that don't I am here for you. If you struggle, there are some things I promise not to say.  I promise I won't tell you that everything will be okay, because I know that logically you might already know this. I promise I won't tell you to just be happy or that you will be better if you just smile more. I promise I won't tell you not to cry. I promise not to make your feelings invalid. I promise not to tell you that you can be sad because someone else has it worse. That is like saying you can never be happy because someone else has it better. I promise I will be here to listen. I won't give advice unless you want it. I will be a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen, You are loved. We are all in this together and together we can make it through.