Growing Up. Part 2

      To those of you who read my blog... you know that my last blog entry was sad.  It was full of anger, bitterness, and resentment.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be the type of person who feels like I have to cut myself off from my friends because I feel sorry for myself and I absolutely don't want my friends to be afraid or worried to tell me things because they don't want to hurt my feelings.  Does this mean that I am 100% okay with the situation? No.  Does it mean that it doesn't hurt anymore? No. Does it mean that I don't feel sorry for myself sometimes? No.  All it means is that I am figuring out a different way to deal with it. After all, I am growing up.
     Lately, I have been all about posting thought-provoking questions to my friends on Facebook.  Not only does it clue me in on the insights of others, it helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings.  I have found that when I have to think about how I would answer one of my own questions, it helps me know where I stand on the subject.Yesterday's topic was one that has been on my mind a lot lately. I asked them what their thoughts were on the statement "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."  The answers I got both surprised and saddened me.  I could tell the ones who have been or who are in love and I could tell which ones were in the depths of loss.
     Now, I see both sides of the coin.  If you have never been in love, than you have no idea what you are missing.  You don't know the happiness and joy that comes from being in love and so you don't worry about it.  If you have been blessed enough to have been in love, than you know those feelings and it makes you sad to think of life without it. Whether you have lost or not, you know the good of love.
      My friend Kaylee answered it like this. "It's absolutely true! Now that I've experienced it, it makes me sad for anyone who never has or never will. Some people never let their guard down and open themselves to the possibility of love in fear of hurt or rejection. But you have to think about it logically... Of all the people you think you might love or have loved, only a few will actually ever work out. not every person you fall for will feel the same, it's just the way the cookie crumbles..haha. But, you have to be willing to take the risk! :) you have to know that anything could happen! People always say "there's a chance that it might not last forever" but guess what else that means? There's a chance that it could :) being in love is a great feeling! And if it fails, then you're better prepared the next time around, and you can be more picky about who deserves your love."
     I have never been in a relationship where I have been loved, but I have been in love.  I have loved deeply and completely.  I have given everything I have and everything I am and everything I want to be.  I don't understand that type of love, but I know what love is and I agree that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. A life without love is sad.  You have to take the heartaches that come with it.  If you survive those, the joy that will come when you find the one who loves you as much as you love them will be indescribable and will change your thoughts forever.

Growing up.

As I sit here, the day before my 29th birthday, wading through the emotions of getting older I am reflecting on all of the ways I have had to grow up this year.  The most recent one came today as I had to put on the proverbial "big girl panties" and make a choice to grow up.  Here's the situation I faced today...  There is a guy that I have liked for years.  We are good friends.  For almost as long as I have liked him I have known that there would never be anything more than friendship between us.  I am not pretty enough for him. Now, I am not saying that I am ugly, but that I know him and the girls he has always liked.  That being said, I never gave up the hope that he would one day look at me and see me.  Really see me.

That hasn't happened.  He likes my best friend.  She is a beautiful and amazing woman and any guy would be out of his mind not to like her.  She likes him too. She may not admit it fully yet, but she does.  I'm fairly certain that if they start dating they will be married not to terribly soon after.  She asked me today if it hurt my feelings that he liked her.  I lied to her and told her no. It's a good thing this conversation happened through text messages otherwise she would have known the complete truth.  You can't hide emotions like that.  The tears in my eyes would have betrayed me.  The truth is, it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and held up for the world to see. I told her what I did because she is my best friend and he is amazing and I would never want either of them to be unhappy because of me.  Does that make me a terrible friend??? I am now in an awkward position.  I don't know if I can continue to hang out with them having the feelings that I have.  So my options are to either suck it up or find new friends.

My growing up moment came as I decided to give up on something I have wanted for years, at great heartache to myself, so that someone else could be happy.  Eventually, my friend is going to read this, I know she will and to her I say... I love you.  You are amazing and my rantings here are just that, RANTINGS.   I want for you every happiness in the world.  I'm going to do everything in my power to see that you get that.   Even if it means removing myself from the situation.  I am not mad at you or him. You have my full support.  I am just struggling to get through this right now.  Given enough time I will be okay with it. Please don;t hate me for it.

The chorus of this song is exactly how I feel right now.  I'm gonna let him go in style and even if it kills me... I'm gonna smile.

La vita è bella... Or Life is Beautiful.

Even though life is strange and can change at the drop of a hat, it is still beautiful. My life has been crazy as of late, but crazy is good... Right? On Tuesday I found out that my grandma, my mom's mom, passed away. I never really knew her, but the blow was still hard. I am blessed to have some amazing friends and family in my life to help me through things like this. I am also blessed because I have a knowledge of the gospel. I am blessed that I have the knowledge that I will have the opportunity to see loved ones again. That is a great comfort in my life. :) So even though life is strange, love makes it beautiful.

Changes

I love my life. It doesn't always go the way I want it to go, but I love it none the less. Things have been going well in my life. :) Just wanted to put that out there today.

Barbie Love

I saw this saying posted on someone's Facebook wall today and I had to make it my own. I changed the font, color, and of course added a Barbie. I may not know any little girls with cancer, but I do know that there are a lot of grown women with cancer who still love Barbie. Everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to feel beautiful. :)

Ramblings from a Troubled Mind

My mind has been consumed lately with what seem to be the worries of the world. It has been a rough road for me. I kind of feel like I am just wandering around aimlessly. I am not sure why either and that is equally frustrating. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that if I keep doing the things I know I need to be doing He will bless me, but patience has never been my strong suit. I am an instant gratification kind of person and this feeling of having no direction or purpose kills me.

On a completely different note, I did have an experience last week that reminded me of how aware Heavenly Father is of me. My family and I went to see The Forgotten Carols. It was such a neat experience. I found myself in tears for most of it. The feelings of peace and love that I felt as I watched overwhelmed me. During that time I felt without a shadow of a doubt the love that Heavenly Father has for me. It was almost as if I had gotten my note for that day and it read, "I know you. I am aware of you. You can do this. And above all else, I love you."

Always in my heart

It's been 10 years. 10 years since I graduated from high school. 10 years since my first year of college. 10 years since the world changed forever. 10 years ago the world trade centers were attacked, altering the way we have always lived and the way we would live for the rest of time. As this time has come upon me I have spent a lot of time pondering the events of that day. Has it really changed me? Have I started to live the way I think I should? Did this event change my life???

Sadly, the answer to most of these questions is no. It is something that has influenced my thoughts and my heart, but have I internalized it like I should have? No. This is something that should have impacted everything in my life. Despite all of that, this time of year holds a tender place in my heart. As I sit and listen to a news station going over the events of that day 10 years ago, my heart and mind run through the gauntlet of emotions that I experienced that day. My heart aches for those who lost loved ones. Fear of the unknown penetrates my soul. The tears flow freely even 10 years later. The worries I harbored before that day seem inconsequential in retrospect.Even in the face of terror, the bonding that came from that event, lives in my heart. I learned to appreciate those who made my life what it is. My friends, my family, all of the men and women who go out every day to make sure that I get to keep the freedoms I have, and their families. Theirs is a hard job too. I learned to love again and I learned that it is the people that make life worth living.

I often think to myself as I see a soldier in uniform if they know how grateful I am. A little voice whispers in my head to thank them, even if I don't know them. As that thought comes and goes, I find myself watching as they go. An opportunity missed and a moment passed. Then I spend the rest of the night kicking myself. The job that they do is thankless. They go to work and do their job in silence. They do it because they believe in a better world. They do it because they love so much that they have to protect the rest of us. They do it because they are heroes. Silent and strong they go about their lives in a way that most people only dream of.

So, on this eve of September 11, 2011 I have have decided that instead of letting those moments pass me by, I am going to jump at every chance I get to let the brave men and women I know how grateful I am. Today I will: Thank every soldier I see. I will thank the police and the firemen. Because my heart is bursting with pride for the red, white, and blue and because I am grateful. Thank you to all of the military personal I know. You are all heroes. :)