Growing up.

As I sit here, the day before my 29th birthday, wading through the emotions of getting older I am reflecting on all of the ways I have had to grow up this year.  The most recent one came today as I had to put on the proverbial "big girl panties" and make a choice to grow up.  Here's the situation I faced today...  There is a guy that I have liked for years.  We are good friends.  For almost as long as I have liked him I have known that there would never be anything more than friendship between us.  I am not pretty enough for him. Now, I am not saying that I am ugly, but that I know him and the girls he has always liked.  That being said, I never gave up the hope that he would one day look at me and see me.  Really see me.

That hasn't happened.  He likes my best friend.  She is a beautiful and amazing woman and any guy would be out of his mind not to like her.  She likes him too. She may not admit it fully yet, but she does.  I'm fairly certain that if they start dating they will be married not to terribly soon after.  She asked me today if it hurt my feelings that he liked her.  I lied to her and told her no. It's a good thing this conversation happened through text messages otherwise she would have known the complete truth.  You can't hide emotions like that.  The tears in my eyes would have betrayed me.  The truth is, it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and held up for the world to see. I told her what I did because she is my best friend and he is amazing and I would never want either of them to be unhappy because of me.  Does that make me a terrible friend??? I am now in an awkward position.  I don't know if I can continue to hang out with them having the feelings that I have.  So my options are to either suck it up or find new friends.

My growing up moment came as I decided to give up on something I have wanted for years, at great heartache to myself, so that someone else could be happy.  Eventually, my friend is going to read this, I know she will and to her I say... I love you.  You are amazing and my rantings here are just that, RANTINGS.   I want for you every happiness in the world.  I'm going to do everything in my power to see that you get that.   Even if it means removing myself from the situation.  I am not mad at you or him. You have my full support.  I am just struggling to get through this right now.  Given enough time I will be okay with it. Please don;t hate me for it.

The chorus of this song is exactly how I feel right now.  I'm gonna let him go in style and even if it kills me... I'm gonna smile.