A bit of gratitude

10 days ago, I started an experiment; a display of gratitude, if you will. First, a little back story about why I started this.

Things in my life have not been going the way I thought they should be. I was bitter and angry towards the whole world.  I felt utterly alone and absolutely friendless.  The people I considered to be my closest friends seemed to have abandoned me and forgot that I existed. It felt to me like the only time anyone would talk to me was if I started a conversation first.  Friendship shouldn't be that way.  Friendship should be a two way street. So because of this, my stubborn pride kicked in and I flat out refused to make an effort with any of them.  After all, I shouldn't be the only one making the effort right?  If they really wanted anything to do with me they would put forth some effort too.  These were the thoughts that were bouncing around inside my head.  These are damaging and brutal thoughts.

A couple of days before Halloween, my friend invited me to a Facebook event.  I read through the event and I liked the concept so I decided to try it out.  For the 56 days between Halloween and Christmas you were to pick a Facebook friend and tell them why they were special and what they mean to you.  The outcome was just to spread a little love around. So Halloween night, again feeling sad and bitter I looked through my friends and I said a sincere prayer about who I should involve in this and slowly, name by name, I developed a list of 56 friends. 56 people who needed to know how I felt about them and how they have changed me.

So, here I am 10 days later and I feel less alone than I have in a long time. Has anything changed about the situation? No.  Am I still the one to make the effort? Yes. The one thing that has changed has been MY attitude.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself because of what I don't have, I am grateful for what I do have. I can't wait to see what the next 46 days bring.  :)

Unanswered Prayers

Lately, there have been a lot of little things that I have noticed about my life that have come about because of unanswered prayers.  I am grateful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me well enough to know what I need and when I need it.  It really is true that some of God's greatest gifts come in the form of unanswered prayers.  It is a comfort to know that there is a plan for my life and even though I don't know it or understand it, I am glad someone does.

Growing Up. Part 2

      To those of you who read my blog... you know that my last blog entry was sad.  It was full of anger, bitterness, and resentment.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be the type of person who feels like I have to cut myself off from my friends because I feel sorry for myself and I absolutely don't want my friends to be afraid or worried to tell me things because they don't want to hurt my feelings.  Does this mean that I am 100% okay with the situation? No.  Does it mean that it doesn't hurt anymore? No. Does it mean that I don't feel sorry for myself sometimes? No.  All it means is that I am figuring out a different way to deal with it. After all, I am growing up.
     Lately, I have been all about posting thought-provoking questions to my friends on Facebook.  Not only does it clue me in on the insights of others, it helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings.  I have found that when I have to think about how I would answer one of my own questions, it helps me know where I stand on the subject.Yesterday's topic was one that has been on my mind a lot lately. I asked them what their thoughts were on the statement "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."  The answers I got both surprised and saddened me.  I could tell the ones who have been or who are in love and I could tell which ones were in the depths of loss.
     Now, I see both sides of the coin.  If you have never been in love, than you have no idea what you are missing.  You don't know the happiness and joy that comes from being in love and so you don't worry about it.  If you have been blessed enough to have been in love, than you know those feelings and it makes you sad to think of life without it. Whether you have lost or not, you know the good of love.
      My friend Kaylee answered it like this. "It's absolutely true! Now that I've experienced it, it makes me sad for anyone who never has or never will. Some people never let their guard down and open themselves to the possibility of love in fear of hurt or rejection. But you have to think about it logically... Of all the people you think you might love or have loved, only a few will actually ever work out. not every person you fall for will feel the same, it's just the way the cookie crumbles..haha. But, you have to be willing to take the risk! :) you have to know that anything could happen! People always say "there's a chance that it might not last forever" but guess what else that means? There's a chance that it could :) being in love is a great feeling! And if it fails, then you're better prepared the next time around, and you can be more picky about who deserves your love."
     I have never been in a relationship where I have been loved, but I have been in love.  I have loved deeply and completely.  I have given everything I have and everything I am and everything I want to be.  I don't understand that type of love, but I know what love is and I agree that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. A life without love is sad.  You have to take the heartaches that come with it.  If you survive those, the joy that will come when you find the one who loves you as much as you love them will be indescribable and will change your thoughts forever.

Growing up.

As I sit here, the day before my 29th birthday, wading through the emotions of getting older I am reflecting on all of the ways I have had to grow up this year.  The most recent one came today as I had to put on the proverbial "big girl panties" and make a choice to grow up.  Here's the situation I faced today...  There is a guy that I have liked for years.  We are good friends.  For almost as long as I have liked him I have known that there would never be anything more than friendship between us.  I am not pretty enough for him. Now, I am not saying that I am ugly, but that I know him and the girls he has always liked.  That being said, I never gave up the hope that he would one day look at me and see me.  Really see me.

That hasn't happened.  He likes my best friend.  She is a beautiful and amazing woman and any guy would be out of his mind not to like her.  She likes him too. She may not admit it fully yet, but she does.  I'm fairly certain that if they start dating they will be married not to terribly soon after.  She asked me today if it hurt my feelings that he liked her.  I lied to her and told her no. It's a good thing this conversation happened through text messages otherwise she would have known the complete truth.  You can't hide emotions like that.  The tears in my eyes would have betrayed me.  The truth is, it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and held up for the world to see. I told her what I did because she is my best friend and he is amazing and I would never want either of them to be unhappy because of me.  Does that make me a terrible friend??? I am now in an awkward position.  I don't know if I can continue to hang out with them having the feelings that I have.  So my options are to either suck it up or find new friends.

My growing up moment came as I decided to give up on something I have wanted for years, at great heartache to myself, so that someone else could be happy.  Eventually, my friend is going to read this, I know she will and to her I say... I love you.  You are amazing and my rantings here are just that, RANTINGS.   I want for you every happiness in the world.  I'm going to do everything in my power to see that you get that.   Even if it means removing myself from the situation.  I am not mad at you or him. You have my full support.  I am just struggling to get through this right now.  Given enough time I will be okay with it. Please don;t hate me for it.

The chorus of this song is exactly how I feel right now.  I'm gonna let him go in style and even if it kills me... I'm gonna smile.

La vita è bella... Or Life is Beautiful.

Even though life is strange and can change at the drop of a hat, it is still beautiful. My life has been crazy as of late, but crazy is good... Right? On Tuesday I found out that my grandma, my mom's mom, passed away. I never really knew her, but the blow was still hard. I am blessed to have some amazing friends and family in my life to help me through things like this. I am also blessed because I have a knowledge of the gospel. I am blessed that I have the knowledge that I will have the opportunity to see loved ones again. That is a great comfort in my life. :) So even though life is strange, love makes it beautiful.

Changes

I love my life. It doesn't always go the way I want it to go, but I love it none the less. Things have been going well in my life. :) Just wanted to put that out there today.