Growing Up. Part 2

      To those of you who read my blog... you know that my last blog entry was sad.  It was full of anger, bitterness, and resentment.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be the type of person who feels like I have to cut myself off from my friends because I feel sorry for myself and I absolutely don't want my friends to be afraid or worried to tell me things because they don't want to hurt my feelings.  Does this mean that I am 100% okay with the situation? No.  Does it mean that it doesn't hurt anymore? No. Does it mean that I don't feel sorry for myself sometimes? No.  All it means is that I am figuring out a different way to deal with it. After all, I am growing up.
     Lately, I have been all about posting thought-provoking questions to my friends on Facebook.  Not only does it clue me in on the insights of others, it helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings.  I have found that when I have to think about how I would answer one of my own questions, it helps me know where I stand on the subject.Yesterday's topic was one that has been on my mind a lot lately. I asked them what their thoughts were on the statement "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."  The answers I got both surprised and saddened me.  I could tell the ones who have been or who are in love and I could tell which ones were in the depths of loss.
     Now, I see both sides of the coin.  If you have never been in love, than you have no idea what you are missing.  You don't know the happiness and joy that comes from being in love and so you don't worry about it.  If you have been blessed enough to have been in love, than you know those feelings and it makes you sad to think of life without it. Whether you have lost or not, you know the good of love.
      My friend Kaylee answered it like this. "It's absolutely true! Now that I've experienced it, it makes me sad for anyone who never has or never will. Some people never let their guard down and open themselves to the possibility of love in fear of hurt or rejection. But you have to think about it logically... Of all the people you think you might love or have loved, only a few will actually ever work out. not every person you fall for will feel the same, it's just the way the cookie crumbles..haha. But, you have to be willing to take the risk! :) you have to know that anything could happen! People always say "there's a chance that it might not last forever" but guess what else that means? There's a chance that it could :) being in love is a great feeling! And if it fails, then you're better prepared the next time around, and you can be more picky about who deserves your love."
     I have never been in a relationship where I have been loved, but I have been in love.  I have loved deeply and completely.  I have given everything I have and everything I am and everything I want to be.  I don't understand that type of love, but I know what love is and I agree that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. A life without love is sad.  You have to take the heartaches that come with it.  If you survive those, the joy that will come when you find the one who loves you as much as you love them will be indescribable and will change your thoughts forever.

Growing up.

As I sit here, the day before my 29th birthday, wading through the emotions of getting older I am reflecting on all of the ways I have had to grow up this year.  The most recent one came today as I had to put on the proverbial "big girl panties" and make a choice to grow up.  Here's the situation I faced today...  There is a guy that I have liked for years.  We are good friends.  For almost as long as I have liked him I have known that there would never be anything more than friendship between us.  I am not pretty enough for him. Now, I am not saying that I am ugly, but that I know him and the girls he has always liked.  That being said, I never gave up the hope that he would one day look at me and see me.  Really see me.

That hasn't happened.  He likes my best friend.  She is a beautiful and amazing woman and any guy would be out of his mind not to like her.  She likes him too. She may not admit it fully yet, but she does.  I'm fairly certain that if they start dating they will be married not to terribly soon after.  She asked me today if it hurt my feelings that he liked her.  I lied to her and told her no. It's a good thing this conversation happened through text messages otherwise she would have known the complete truth.  You can't hide emotions like that.  The tears in my eyes would have betrayed me.  The truth is, it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and held up for the world to see. I told her what I did because she is my best friend and he is amazing and I would never want either of them to be unhappy because of me.  Does that make me a terrible friend??? I am now in an awkward position.  I don't know if I can continue to hang out with them having the feelings that I have.  So my options are to either suck it up or find new friends.

My growing up moment came as I decided to give up on something I have wanted for years, at great heartache to myself, so that someone else could be happy.  Eventually, my friend is going to read this, I know she will and to her I say... I love you.  You are amazing and my rantings here are just that, RANTINGS.   I want for you every happiness in the world.  I'm going to do everything in my power to see that you get that.   Even if it means removing myself from the situation.  I am not mad at you or him. You have my full support.  I am just struggling to get through this right now.  Given enough time I will be okay with it. Please don;t hate me for it.

The chorus of this song is exactly how I feel right now.  I'm gonna let him go in style and even if it kills me... I'm gonna smile.